Monday, March 15, 2010

You go for sweet, but sometimes you're stuck on bitter: or, how my lack of corporate-mindedness turned indoor gardening into someone else's big break and slapped me in the face... like a bomb.

There's something wrong with me that makes me detest getting paid for things that I love doing. It feels criminal. When I first started out at B St., I refused to be paid. I just volunteered my time even though I had work study money I could be paid with. Finally, they forced me to start taking home a paycheck.

I like to give a lot of myself as well. I especially love cooking for big groups of people. It feels wonderful to give of yourself and see people smiling as a result.

If individuals tend to take a lot more than they give, I eventually cut them loose... but generally, the give and take is fairly balanced.

That's not to say that I don't have a good mind for business. In fact, I have a pretty entrepreneurial spirit. It's just an aversion to money that gets in my way.

Like right now.

I just found out that a group of people were getting funding for an indoor gardening system not too unlike the one I made three years ago. You know, the one I just had a story published about on the PRI website. If I had a group of people to test and develop all of the ideas I came up with, and if I were just a little more money hungry, then I could probably be making the money I need to develop that forest garden I dream about.  Would it be worth it at that point? Wouldn't my symbol of community and giving be just a little bittersweet? Probably.

And have you noticed that I'm not linking to the group of people in question? Call it my "childish protest."

I'm just burned out on schooling, so disconnected from plants and nature, cramped in this tiny apartment, separated from friends and family and community, stressing about what kind of job I'm going to (be able to) get with a writing degree, and worrying about affording rent in a place where I don't even want to live. And then this comes along.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that they're having better luck spreading the joy of indoor gardening than I have. The more food people can provide for themselves, the better. But I still think I deserve the right to be pissy about the fact that it was them and not me. We all want our big break, right? And I missed mine. (Think "public transportation," that is, "oh shit, there goes my bus," and you'll have a scaled down version of how it feels).

Anyways. Now that I've unloaded that onto you, my readers, I'm going to disappear. I promise that the next post will be cheery, and hopefully even helpful.

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